The heaviness of day to day life

After hearing a message by kris Vallotton yesterday, my heart carried a heaviness  to it. This heaviness had nothing to do with me. It was the heaviness of the world around  me and the people I love who feel it on a day to day basis. One cry of my heart is to carry a compassion inside of me for the hurting, just like our Savior does. And, after this message, my hearts c ry came alive. I always try and see the potential inside each and every human being instead of who they are at the moment. 

Why do we act so differently as we grow up. As kids we were so excited and free!  But then, we do something wrong. And time after time of doing so we begin to dislike ourself. And we put on all this heavy clothing that holds us back when we were made to feel free. Throughout our life we are never told that the person who falls in the biggest hole finds the most Gold. Don't believe in your circumstances more than you believe in the power if God.

Examples: 1. Rahab- the lying prostitute. She lies to the King-Josh 2:1, she hides spies, saves her family. And then where do we see her next? In Matthew 1:1 in the lineage of Christ!

2. David- He was a King, a fugitive, a murderer, a liar, an adulterer. Yet, look at how God viewed David. He moved Gods heart. As David Crowder says in his book Praise Habit, " Davids awareness of rescue was deep and continual. He dressed himself in rescue, redemption, and righteousness.  There is impoliteness in our experience of living. There is darkness and pain. But, the wonder, joy and surprise comes in the middle of darkness with the unexpected presence of God."

In part Kris' message he talked about the difference in conviction and condemnation. Condemnation= not of Christ. He did not come to condemn us, He came to offer us a hope out of our sinful life. Condemnation links our sin to our identity. With condemnation you begin to believe that since you sinned, you are now a sinner. NO! Wrong. Completely wrong. If you believe you are a sinner you will sin because you believe that is who you are. Thats the beauty of what Jesus did and when He steps into the picture. Our sin is not our identity. It is not who we are. He knows we are going to mess up even after we are saved. He offers us a life that says," I WAS a sinner. And, even though I still might mess up every now and then, I am still precious in His eyes."  We have got to understand this to function properly in who we are. We need to live with conviction not condemnation. Just like Kris said yesterday, "Conviction says, "You are a royalty now, come on, you are better than this. Lets fix it :)" We need to realize that just because we mess up, that does not mean we are worse than dirt.

Quit living by your feelings! It will destroy you! QUIT LIVING BY YOUR FEELINGS AND LIVE BY THE TRUTH. The way you treat yourself is the way others will treat you. Change your mindset about yourself. Realize you are awesome and other people will begin to see the change. 

I think this is what separates us from responding to God like we wished we could. We come to God with our head down and ashamed. And, the whole time he is saying, "Stop it! You are acting like the price I paid isn't good enough for you! Come to me. I am so in love with you child. Yes you messed up, but I still love you just as much!"

Past friendship

   In the midst of times like these, words are hard to come by. The majority of people here are completely and totally submerged into an intimate relationship with Jesus. Often times when people receive salvation they become acquaintances with God. As with every process, continuation usually needs to happen in order for the process to be maintained. So as the relationship continues, the word acquaintance cannot adequately express the extent of this new found relationship. A friendship usually is next. However, the friendship part of the process is where people get stuck. Maybe its because people do not know that there is so much more to God...or maybe they do and there is a lack of commitment to proceed on past the friendship and into an intimate relationship. 

   Before leaving for California to go to Bethel I heard a lot of, "Well, God is here just as much as He is there". And, while that statement is true, there is still a MAJOR difference in the atmosphere created here at Bethel. The difference lies in the relationship level the people here and (other places Im sure) strive for. You see, a friendship is NOT good enough, nor will it satisfy the intense hunger for more of God. They are so incredibly hungry for a deeper relationship with God. They have felt His love and everyday they need more to survive. God is a survival factor. We need to become so dependent on God that if we dont spend time with Him we feel as though we are dying.

   Since I have been here I feel like my love for God has grown so intensely just by being in His presence and around people who are on fire for God. Just like a wildfire spreads without question, so should Gods love in the hearts and souls of people.

   Let us cry out for more. Let us learn and continue to grow in this process. How about busting through the friendship and into the intimate relationship where we know and feel His heart. As with any relationship, the only way to do so is to spend time with Him.

   I can honestly say I have not been so great with my relationship with God...arent we glad he offers grace?! As each day passes I realize how messed up I am. THere are so many things in my life that need changing and fixing. And, God bought me a long time ago so that He could be the one to fix me and transform me and bring me into the beautiful thing called righteousness.

Worship School in California

Just a few weeks ago I found out that I have been accepted to Bethel's Supernatural School of Worship in Redding, Cali., this summer. As excitement rushed over me, a sense of helplessness did as well. You see, worshipping is my passion. God created us for this purpose, and I long to learn more about every aspect of it. One day I hope to be a worship pastor somewhere and use what I learn this summer. Classes will be hard and a lot of effort will be required, but I know that I will be able to use everything I learn towards my passion, and even though I know my God will provide, the part of asking for help bothers me. I do not want people to think I am trying to free load. So with that statement made known, I will prove my heart is true.

     Currently, I am in nursing school, and nursing school is...well...unique, haha! It is very hard and demanding. However, I still take the time to work as much as I can. I personally do not like the idea of having to pay back student loans. Therefore, I am paying for every penny of my school with the money I earn. My car has just recently died (R.I.P.), but that is a whole issue in itself haha!

     With all of that said, the point of this note is this: help is needed. I do not dwell in this situation with helplessness any more. I believe and hope in my God to provide the means necessary to make this opportunity available for me. Romans 5:5 says, "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." I am going to rest in the fact that He has this situation all under control...and what a relief that is!

     Expenses are going to be great; because, as you all know, California is not that close to Phenix City, AL. Any contribution you would like to make would be absolutely amazing and appreciated. If you need your lawn mowed, call me. If you need your car washed, I'll be there. Anything! If you find your resources are limited, prayer is always needed.

                                                    Hosea 2:14-15

 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt." In Hebrew, "Achor" means trouble. I feel as though that is exactly where I have been in these past few months. Family craziness going on every day, seeing a murder take place and helping to contribute the aid needed to the helpless, my car dying completely, and experiencing grief so unexpectedly and real, as I lost a man so very dear to my heart. But, I feel that God is leading me into the door of hope. He holds me in His hands, and there is no other place I would rather be. Safe.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and allowing the Lord to use you in any way that you can be used! :)

Broken to Perfection

 While sitting in a youth service a few weeks ago, Jesus began to speak to my heart. I won't go into all the details of the message. But, I will say the main point I got out of the message was the illustration used with eggs. Hard, raw, white, unbroken eggs. At the beginning of the service everyone received an egg to hold throughout the service. Rapping up the message, Pastor Jodi said something along the lines of this, " Every single one of these eggs has a different purpose. This eggs purpose may be to make an omelet." At this point the teenagers started to giggle. But the actual point that was being spoken made sense. She continued with,'" No I'm serious. Maybe you are an omelet. You hold everything together when otherwise it would fall apart. And maybe, this other egg's purpose is to make a cake. You make things sweet and bring joy to everyone around you." She continued on with the different purposes each egg might have. She brought into play that we too are each designed for a different purpose. I have always known this. But, what God brought into perspective was something different.

    From the naked eye my egg looked smooth and perfect just like all the other eggs. But, with further inspection I noticed its imperfection. As I was sitting there holding my egg, I felt a lump on its hard shell. I ran my finger over the lump several times then began to think to myself," There is no way this lump can be smoothed out for this egg unless.. it is broken. No matter how hard I try to smooth out this lump, its hard shell will not allow it. The shell must be broken and put back together to be perfected." Now I know what you're thinking... you cant break a shell and put it back together again to perfection. To which I will reply..you are right. But! This is an analogy.  An analogy to which I will relate to God.

    Oftentimes we may be that egg with a lump. Whatever it may be...jealously, anger, sadness, loneliness, confusion, stagnation, etc. But, not everybody can see that we have it. Just know that the only way to perfection in Christ is through brokenness. Even though we as humans would not be able to put back the pieces of a broken egg, God has the power to do all things. When we are broken, God is able to take all the pieces and put them back together again. He knows each broken piece and where it should go to create an amazingly restored child of God.

    If you feel as though you are being broken, do not dwell in the feelings of sadness or confusion. It is in the brokenness that we become whole. It is in the brokenness that we become stronger and greater. And through the brokenness we are able to begin our purpose. Just as an egg shell is broken to create an amazingly tasteful cake or omelet we too must be broken.

South Africa

I wrote this while I was in South Africa but never posted it...so enjoy!

Entering into a world unknown, I was bursting with excitement from anticipation. Always picturing myself in Africa surrounded by the helpless, in a place of desolation, I felt guilty flying 19 hours to reach this country knowing that was not my final destination.Desiring to at least get a glimpse of the reality of Africa and the pain this country suffers daily, my eyes were willing, but my heart not ready for the agony it would soon experience. It did not take me long to figure out that just because it is South Africa, and not Swaziland or Botswana, does not mean there is no one suffering and the needy are not present. 

My itinerary was suppose to go as follows: 9 hour flight to the Netherlands, 2 hour layover, and an 11 hour flight from the Netherlands to South Africa. My itinerary ended up being as follows: 9 hour fight to the Netherlands, 8 hour layover, 1 hour flight to Paris, 4 hour layover, and then FINALLY..the 11 hour flight to South Africa. WHy you may ask....An emergency landing was needed for a little boy with stomach obstruction. So, we turned the plane around and 1 hour after flying in the opposite direction of our destination, we land in Vancouver,Canada. God was pulling at my heart the entire time to pray for the little 4 year old boy. So, finally I stepped out in faith. Knowing I wouldn't regret it, I nervously walked over to the worried family from Uganda and asked if I could pray for him. To me, this was huge.. The first time I had ever bravely stepped out and prayed for a stranger. His crying increased as I began to pray and I thought Oh great...I wonder what this family is thinking. Which should not matter..but anyway...eventually his crying died down. Was he healed instantly? No, it was one of those things where you plant the seed and have faith for the harvester.I believe that Jesus healed that little boy. I believe that as soon as he got to the hospital the doctors found nothing. But more than that, I believe that was the first step for me walking in fearlessness.  

Sometimes in life we pray for things and nothing happens.( that WE see at least) And, sadly, even more times, that means we  give up.We give up in perseverance. We give up in hope. We give up in believing. Whether it be for someone dear to us to change and live their life on the RIGHT path. Or, maybe we are praying for something in our own life to change. Whatever it is, we can't give up. We CANNOT give up. Whether it is seen in the natural world or not, things are happening. As soon as those prayers are lifted up, Heaven gets busy... Whether we are the planter or the harvester, we must continue in faith, knowing things are being done, whether we see it or not. 

Maybe this was the reason I couldn't get the 4 other flights I tried to get for days. Maybe those prayers were the only ones that little boy would have. All I know is, the extra 24 hours it took to get to South Africa was COMPLETELY worth it for this short 10 minute experience. And plus, I got to go to Paris!...where I ended up getting lost and stepping into Paris without even going through immigration or customs...hmm...oh and not to mention the airport in the netherlands was incredible!! It had a huge place with recliners to sleep and a mediation center and tons of other really cool stuff!.... When we were finally on our way to South Africa I was in the aisle seat,sadly. However! The girl with the window seat asked if I would want to switch and I smiled,said a huge thank you to Jesus, and quickly accepted her request! At the end of the flight I noticed the African woman sitting next to me trying to read my Heidi Baker book with me, Compelled by Love. With an occasional head nod, I noticed her interest. I gave her the book and believed God would use it in not only her life, but her family's life and even her communities life in a tremendous way! 

Then...South Africa! After making my way through the airport, there they were...waiting and very excited! The kids jumped over the divider to run and hug me..welcomed with love.

Going Forward by overcoming

On my way back to Auburn I noticed a really big hill. Countless times I have driven up this hill and yet today I just realized its intensity. Or maybe for a brief moment God intensified the extent of this hill in order to reveal to me this lesson..

Through life often times we feel like we are going up this gigantic hill. We can't see what the tops view reveals and whats in store on the other side or even if it will be worth the strength to make it to the top.What happens if we don't make it? What happens if we do? What happens if we get to the top and realize we have been climbing up a small anthill the whole time.The beauty in life is its unpredictability. Never knowing what the next moment in life will hold or release, is part of the ride. Life brings pain, its inevitable. I know I have had to travel up many big hills. Many unpredictable, strenuous, painful hills. And, just when I felt as though I was running out of gas, my Savior pulled, pushed, and gave me the physical,mental, and spiritual strength I needed to succeed.

If we rely solely upon ourselves, small anthills will be a challenge. But as long as we depend on His strength, the biggest mountains in our life will even be conquerable! Sometimes we do not realize that He sends us people in our lives as well,to go with us on the journey to overcoming our weaknesses,our mountains. We were not created to do everything on our own. Vulnerability is scary at first. But, once you realize that weakness is beautiful, that scariness starts to fade. Everyone is going through something in their life. Whether it is right now, in the past, or the future..and, no matter how much we pretend like we have it all together, we don't. Nobody does. If we strive to become who God wants us to be, and seek after overcoming our struggles, weakness becomes beautiful. He will take you, who are burdened and heavy laden, and will give you rest. No one is perfect. NO ONE! Only our Daddy in Heaven who sets the perfect example for us to follow.... And, no one can do it on their own.

I guess the point of this note is to be bold. When you feel like you are struggling with getting to the top of your mountain, call on Jesus. He will help. And, chances are, there is also at least one person in your life who would like to do the same for you. Don't be afraid. It's surprising the response you may get once you ask for some advice or help..or even prayer. If nobody knows you need it, nobody can help you get through it. We are all human. And, we are all trying to imitate our Father. So, be bold. Ask that person in your life, whom you can trust, to help you overcome your mountain... in the end, you might just realize it was just a small anthill.

New beginnings? Fresh starts? Back to the basics...

If you get nothing out of this note at least read the last few paragraphs.."Begin...start...commence...open... There's something refreshing and optimistic about these words, whether they refer to the dawn of the day, the birth of a child, the prelude of a symphony, or the first miles of a family vacation. FREE OF PROBLEMS AND FULL OF PROMISE, beginnings stir hope and imaginative visions for the future."

   As a prelude to my study Bible, this quote is referring to the book of Genesis. The book of Genesis starts out with a beautiful pure world being created by a Holy God. Genesis, "reveals the person and nature of God( Creator, Sustainer, Judge, Redeemer); the value and dignity of human beings(made in the God's image,saved by grace, used by God in the world); the tragedy and consequences of sin (the fall, separation from God, judgment); and the promise and assurance of salvation (covenant,forgiveness, promised Messiah)."

Genesis. The beginning. Free of pain, free of sin(well at least in the beginning). However, it was not free of temptation.  The whole point of creation was to build a beautiful place with beautiful people to be able to share in the fellowship and  Holiness of God..with CHOICE. Bathed in innocence, creation was shattered by the fall.This note is that of a lead towards a redemption that is easily obtained.

With Easter just passing, God was showing  me how He wants to bring us all back to that place. He wants to all takes us back to the Genesis in our lives before the fall from temptation led us spiraling downward. Maybe you don't remember what it was that took you away from the purity in your heart, and maybe there has been a situation in your life that you think you will never be free of. But, whatever the case may be there is a God that wants to allure you unto Him. He wants to lead us tenderly into the desert and give us back our most prized possession, and here he will turn what meant for death into a beautiful life everlasting. Here we will sing and rejoice just as we did before our lifeless days- Hosea 2:15 paraphrased. 

Gods longing is to take us back into the place in our life where we were once proud of ourself. The place that held no guilt or shame. The place that echoed back His love into the world so that the lost and the dying could see a glimpse of life. The place where we ourself felt life. A place full of happiness, love and compassion. His desire is for ALL of His children to find this escape from life's hard reality to a place where nothing can shake off His joy!

His death was meant to cover our shame and sin and bring us back to our Genesis! Every person has their own Genesis, their own fresh beginning. At some point we all become someone we hate. Maybe you remember yourself as a child so free and happy and full of the love God placed in you. God can renew you and bring you back to that place of innocence. Maybe you find that your heart has hardened to the point of being compassionless for people. God can turn your heart into complete mush to where it breaks over those that are hurting, no matter who it may be. Maybe you find that no matter how hard you try you cant seem to ever be enough. God can show you that he created you with the perfect intention of using you! And He will!

Do some soul searching. Find out where you were before the fall and give it all up to your Father.He will take you above and beyond what you ever thought you could be. When you find yourself surrounded in the new Genesis beware of the temptations, for they will still come. But with God, everything is conquerable. Genesis 4:7 "For if you do right will you not be accepted? But if you do not do right sin is crouching at your door and its desire is to have you, but you must master it."We are all good people, we just lose our way and our hearts harden to the love our God is so desperately waiting to give away.

"Come now, let us reason together,says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool." Isaiah 1:18. Stop making it harder than it has to be.